Interview with Clayton Johnson

When I found out about this blog, I knew I had to call my best friend right away. Clayton Johnson didn't answer on my first dial, but after repeatedly dialing him, he finally picked up. Here's what happened:











Elliot- Hey Clayton! Long time no speak. How is life treating you?

Clayton- I need more candy bars!!!!!!!!

E- Now calm down, Clayton. I think we all remember from La Petite how to ask nicely.

C- You're right. Sometimes I get a little excited. Especially when I see Manute Bol on tv. I get such a boner.

E- Well that's a little strange, Clayton. Say Clayton, how did you get so portly and tall?

C- It's definitely got to be all the cheeseburgers. And the chicken nuggets and mashed potatoes from daycare. Those things really did a number on me. But look at me now, I'm a football player and a good one too! Oh and also, the handskies from Ms. Karen. She was my inspiration.

E- Ms. Karen you say? I always had a thing for Mrs. Bossman. God she loved the Buffalo Bills.

C- I HAVE RED HAIR AND NO PUBES!

E- Clayton, that seems a little bit off subject. Maybe we should send you to fat camp. It really worked for Keenan.

C- Late at night, I touch myself thinking about the bark chips from La Petite.

E- Yes, I believe we all do. They could be made into such sharp weapons! Now Clayton, if you were in Madden, what would your skills be?

C- Let's see. I'd be a 30 Speed, 25 agility, 5 arm strength, 80 toughness (I'm real tough), and 10 injury. You might call me a rich man's Ethan Albright.

E- Congratulations Mr. Johnson. You're the fattest boy in camp.

C- That's it! I'm sick of this interview. All you do is make fun of me! I'm hanging up.

E- Thank you for your time. What will you be doing after we hang up?

C- I'm gonna stick my dick into a light socket. Peace!

End of Interview


Aloha bitches

What college is best-represented in the current NBA?

BOYZWITHBALLZ

Those of you who talk sports with your friends all day like we do have probably been proposed this question- which college team would make up the best team in the NBA? Well we are finally going to answer that question. It is important to keep in mind when going over these teams that while some teams may have a lot of talented players, they may not be able to fill the required positions for a team. For example, Arizona has Jason Terry, Mike, Bibby, Gilbert Arenas, Richard Jefferson, and Andre Iguodola. Well, yeah, these guys are great at basketball, but I think they would have a tough time matching up with the height of my church basketball team in 2007 ( we won the division that year). So that being said, we narrowed it down to 5 colleges that could fill a team in the NBA. UCONN, UNC, Kansas, Kentucky, and Duke. To keep you reading on, I will foreshadow Duke's team and tell you that it only consists of one white player. Possible? We wouldn't have thought so either. So here goes...

PG- Marcus Williams
SG- Ray Allen

SF- Rudy Gay

PF- Charlie Villanueva (Mentioned later in a future blog titled "Ugliest players in the history of Sports")

EWWWWWWWWWW

C- Emeka Okafor
The Connecticut basketball team would be a very good team, except at the point guard position. They would go very deep at the two guard spot with Rip Hamilton and Ben Gordon sitting on the bench. Their presence downlow would be powerful, yet hideous with Villanueva's cancer-like looks and Okafor's "I was hit in the face with a frying pan as a small child" look.

PG- Raymond Felton

SG- Vince Carter

SF- Jerry Stackhouse

PF- Antawn Jameson

C- Rasheed Wallace

You were probably right Rasheed. You always are...

North Carolina's team would probably be the most exciting to watch what with inVINCEables dunks, Jameson's power, and Sheed's ability to create technical foul trouble. You may notice that we left out Brendan Haywood. The reasoning behind this is simple... Imagine a baseline with both Brendan Haywood and Rasheed Wallace on it. Yikes! Those two whine more than my three year old niece would if you were to kick her in the face. The heels may have some fourth quarter troubles with Wallace's foul trouble, and stackhouse's age trouble.

PG- Rajon Rondo

SG- Keith Bogans

SF- Tayshaun Prince

PF- Randolph Morris

C- Nazr Mohammad
Nice form Nazr. That must be why

You are a career 60% FT shooter. Keep it up

Wow. Talk about a terrible post presence. The Wildcats bring nothing to the table physically down low, but they may make up for it with above average strength from their guards. There is no doubt Kentucky would be a quick team, but they would probably suffer against a big team down low.

PG- Kirk Hinrich

SG- Brandon Rush

SF- Paul Pierce

PF- Nick Collison

C- Drew Gooden (This is Gooden with the beard. It is important to note that pre-beard Gooden is a completely different person)
Hey Drew, the homeless guy that lives

on my block called. He said he wants

his beard back.

Kansas may have the most talented guys on the court, but they lack a true center. Playing Gooden and his beard at the Center position would probably not bode well for the team, but they would make up for it with the quickness of Pierce and Hinrich. This team would have a very weak link in Nick Collison, so they would probably get taken advantage of in the paint.

PG- Chris Duhon

SG- J.J. Reddick

It doesn't make sense that the Duke squad would

only have one white player does it? Fortunately, Reddick

is goofy and gay enough to hold it down for all of the Jon

Scheyer's and Kyle Singler's out there that are not being recongized.

SF- Corey Maggette

PF- Elton Brand

C- Carlos Boozer

Duke would definitely have the most powerful team in this simulation. Their three big men would match up against any in the NBA in about any area on the court. However, their guard play would hurt them severely. Duhon turns the ball over way too much and Reddick doesn't do anything but represent the KKK and shoot 3's. Duke's all-NBA team would be the exact opposite of their current team, who's big guy down low is a "man" by the name of Brian Zoubeck. Ever heard of him? Neither have we.

So after all is said and done, which team would be the best? Each team has their flaws from the looks of Charlie Villanueva ( time out I have to go throw up ) to the lack of muscle on duke's guards, and everything in between, however all of these teams would be quality teams. We have decided though, that the best team would be...drumroll please... The University of North Carolina. The heels' team is the only team that does not have a noticeable weakness at any position. Felton is a sound poing guard, Vince is a playmaker, stackhouse is a student of the game, Jameson is powerful, and Rasheed is...well...Rasheed. Close behind the heels were the huskies of UCONN but we gave the slight edge to the tarheels because Connecticut would have a very weak point guard in Marcus Williams.